Even More McMini

Oh deary me, another one of those weeks, I foolishly volunteered to do a blog meme, thinking I could easily rustle up three victi er hem sorry, three nominees to pass it on to. I have two happily queued up and ready but can I find a third one? No. I have four but two who will break the chain. Even worse, it’s only as I answer the questions that I realise I’ve actually done something very similar before.

Note to self. No memes. No blog chains. Nada. Zilch. Ever again. Why adding a few million links to a blog post should take so long I don’t know but it does. Also, as I’m facing a couple of weeks sans internet, I’ve been scheduling some posts to appear in my electronic absence. Unfortunately, this means I’ve spent all week working on my blog without actually posting anything.

Chaos Fairies 1: Efficiency 0

Never mind, onwards and upwards. I thought I would share some of the latest gems from McMini, so here they are.

On April Fool’s day…
W
e went to the park. Wisely, because the lavatories are at the opposite end to the swings, we went to the bogs first.

“Mummy I need a poo,” said McMini.
“Oh dear, do you? Alright, hang on and I’ll come in with you.”
McMini stood in front of the loo with his hands behind his head.
“Shouldn’t you sit down for a poo?”
“No. I’m only having a wee.”
“Might I suggest that you hold it and aim it for greater accuracy.”
“Oh no Mummy, I much prefer doing it like this, and it’s alright I don’t need a poo. It’s April False day remember? I was just falsing you.”

I put him straight, on both counts.

On his reading assignments…
“Mummy I wish I didn’t have to read a book every night, they are terribly long.”
“Yes, they are but a lot of them are quite fun and you read them very well. Anyway, you don’t remember to change your book every night do you? So technically, you don’t read one every night.”
“True…”
“So what happens if you fail to read your book?”
“We have to sit with one of the big year olds and read it the next day. And it’s always the same big year old.”
“You don’t like that, then?”
“No.”
I laughed at this and told him that I thought ‘big year olds’ was brilliant. I kept forgetting it and asking him to remind me.
“Oh Mummy you really are a porridge brain,” he rolled his eyes. “Come on, say it after me, Big. Year. Olds.”
“Big year olds. Right.”
“Got it?”
“Got it.”

On biology…
I told him he was getting much taller and that I couldn’t believe he grew inside my tummy. He stopped for a moment in shocked silence.

“Mummy, I didn’t grow inside your tummy. I am a boy. I grew inside Daddy’s tummy.”
“No, it takes a man and a lady to make a baby but everyone, girls and boys, grows inside the Mummy.”
“Oh. Are you certain Mummy?”
“Very.”
“So did I just grow?”
“No, Daddy helped.”
“How?”
“Well, men and ladies are made to fit together. The lady’s bits go in and the man’s bits go out like putting a plug into a socket. Then they have a very special cuddle and it makes a baby.”
“Can I have a special cuddle Mummy?”
“Not with me sunshine and certainly not yet. Special cuddles are only for grown ups.”

This was the point where half of me was standing outside myself, looking at what was going on, thinking “holy shit how did I get into this?” The key with these, is to offer enough information to shut them up without them a) getting more interested or b) saying or doing anything weird at school. I think I got away with it but I am beginning to understand why they used to feed kids all that bollocks about storks.

In church…
Loudly, during a particularly quiet, prayerful bit.

“Mummy, I have just done a fart and I can smell it and it’s a really stinky one.”
“Would you like to nip out and have a poo?”
“No, it’s OK, Mummy, I am fine.”
A few seconds later.
“Actually Mummy, I do need a poo.”
There was giggling from the other members of the congregation as we walked out.

At the Altar Rail…
After a lot of lively chat to me about robots and lego StarWars figures I told him he must try to be a little quieter now because people around us were trying to pray.

“Why don’t you try saying a couple of prayers? I’m going to.”
McMini screwed his eyes tight shut and buried his head on his hands. I knew he was really concentrating because only his legs were wriggling. After about 10 seconds he looked up.
“Mummy, I am having a lovely chat with God.”
“Good stuff little one. You carry on.”

Another at the alter rail conversation:

“Mummy, you’re not going to die soon, are you?”
“I hope not. I will at some stage because everyone does but hopefully not yet.”
“Are Annie and Poppa and Gramma and Pappa going to die soon?”
“Not for a while yet, I hope.”
“But they will die before I do?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so.”
“Where do we go to get new Grandparents to replace them?”
“Well… it doesn’t work like that. They’re relatives, so when they die, there’s no-one to replace them.”
“Oh…”

Later that day….

“Mummy Annie laid* you. Who laid Annie?”
“Annie’s Mum, my Granny [name redacted].”
“Oh… who laid her?”
“I think my great, great Granny’s name was ….”
Long thoughtful silence.
“I see….”

On Manners….
While Enthusiastically Eating a Jaffa Cake, also in Church.

“Mummy look! I am ripping it like a dinosaur.”

Still in Church, still in a quiet bit…

“Look!” McMini held up a picture he’d drawn. “he is a baddy cowboy.” McMini then coloured his eyes in brown. “See? He has brown fire coming out of his eyes!”
“Brown Fire sounds like a euphemism for something else.”
“No it’s not brown fire Mummy. It’s pooh. He has pooh coming out of his eyes in big brown pooy streams.”
“Ah…” I replied as the people in the pew behind started giggling. What else could I say?

On school…

A sweet, friendly guest asked him, “Are you at school?”
“Yes.”
“Do you enjoy school?”
“Oh yes,” he said with enthusiasm.
“What’s your favourite lesson?”
“Lunch time.”

On history…
McMini told McOther a long and complicated story about a little girl called Frank who had hidden in a house under a bed from an evil soldier called Hitme. We later discovered that one of his friends had been to Holland over the holidays where she had visited Anne Frank’s house and told McMini all about it.

On cleanliness…
When I was trying to hurry him up going to bed – which takes a sod of a long time, believe me…

“Please will you stay here and play some more, Mummy?”
“I wish I could but I can’t. I have to go and cook your Dad’s tea and have a shower.”
“You don’t need a shower Mummy, you’re very fragrant as you are.”

In Church…
As the Gospel was read from the middle of the aisle, McMini moved over to where the bloke with the incense thingummy (the thurither) was swinging the incense container (the thurible). Slowly but surely he held out his biscuit, kippering it gently over the smoke. Needless to say the thurither (try saying that with your mouth full) started swinging it a bit further in McMini’s direction. Finally, wee man shuffled back to me, kippered gingernut triumphantly in hand.

“Mummy that incense smells delicious!” he said.

* Like an egg as in gave birth to.

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24 Comments

Filed under General Wittering

24 responses to “Even More McMini

  1. What a smart young man. Sounds like he keeps you very busy. Enjoy him. They grown up very fast. My oldest “baby” is almost 24.

    • I will. He comes out with such cracking stuff that it’s difficult not to enjoy them. McOther and I were giggling a long time about Hitme and he kippers his biscuits over the incense every week now 😉

      Cheers

      MTM

  2. You wait until he’s a teenager. Then your troubles will really start.

    • Judging by the levels of negotiation we have to enter into now, to get compliance, the future is going to be…. interesting.

      Cheers

      MTM

      On 3 April 2014 12:29, M T McGuire Authorholic wrote:

      >

  3. Hehe. I like the idea that boys grow inside Daddy and girls inside Mummy.

    I’m currently trying to get Baby Smith used to the idea that I’m growing another baby. I think he’s young enough that it doesn’t seem weird to him. He’ll quite happily sign* ‘I used to be in your bump but then I grew big and came out, and now there’s another tiny baby in there.’

    * He doesn’t talk yet, for inscrutable reasons of his own, but he has very expressive gestures.

    • Weeeee! Congrats on the second Mini AFE.

      On the speaking… that’s just a developmental thing, though isn’t it? The voice box has three stages of development and has to finish them all before the wee person can talk. McMini was extremely articulate, without actually being able to speak from the age of about 6 months. I swear he could give me a withering look at 10 months when I was banging on too much for his taste or over explaining something. He also managed to whisper phrases – so I had “I go la” aged about 11 months and “no Mummy, I get this today” at about 13 months but it was 16 months before he actually started talking. First word: Van. Second word: Daddy. 😉

      Now… it’s like tinnitus. He never stops. I swear he can talk while he’s breathing in as well as out.

      Cheers

      MTM

      On 3 April 2014 13:17, M T McGuire Authorholic wrote:

      >

  4. The entertainment value of a child. With my son, we’re at a point where we get long and convoluted stories. It’s always a mystery as to what’s true and what’s part of another event. I’m going to miss the funny chatter when he’s in his ‘leave me alone’ stage.

    • Mwah ha ha hargh, I think your lad’s only a little bit younger than mine right? I agree though, I love the long convoluted stories and I will really miss them when he’s a teenager.

      Best part of my day is the walk home from school where he tells me about his day. I had a long story the other day about how the plaster on his finger had got stinky and he’d shown it to Paige and she’d thought it was stinky too…

      Cheers

      MTM

      • He’s 4 as he will loudly proclaim whenever you ask his age. He takes the bus home, so I get all the stories while trying to get him into the house. Yesterday was talking about how a little boy scared one of his classmates, but didn’t scare him. He was very proud of himself.

      • Sounds familiar. Mine’s five going on 6 😉 and the stories are very similar. I also get endless technical specs for the weapons of mass destruction he is making out of lego.

        On 3 April 2014 13:29, M T McGuire Authorholic wrote:

        >

      • Mine is on trains, so I hear about tinders and their names. Can’t put the wrong tinder on a train or he scolds you.

  5. texasdruids

    LOL McMini is a talkative little fellow, not a bit afraid to voice what he’s thinking. That speaks well for his parents.

    Even my grandkids are past the chattering stage. We had the family over for dinner and a visit this past Saturday, and both the youngster were glued to their iPad minis most of the time, except for while actually eating. They used to love playing with their granddad, but now they find us oldsters boring. Such is life. Enjoy your darling boy and get ready for more “challenging” times.

  6. MT, this is really a wonderful collection of McMini stories. Really wonderful. And funny.

    • Thanks he’s such a poppet and he never stops so I can write down pretty much anything he says. Let’s say, I have a sound bite rich environment at the moment. He’s great fun.

      Cheers

      MTM

  7. My daughter is almost six months and just started squealing, not quiet the level of what I imagine a pterodactyl sounds like but pretty close. I’m enjoying the time now but after these stories I’m looking forward to when she can tell me all kinds of tales.

    • Ah but the burble stage is so much fun too! If a bit much on the ears sometimes 🙂 it will come in a flash, I can assure you. I know everyone says that but I can’t believe how fast it’s gone.

      Cheers

      MTM

  8. Hilarious – out of the mouths of babes. At least he entertained everyone in church 🙂

    Hope you’re not finding the meme thing too painful!!! Have to admit I got my first two easily enough (you and another) and then took ages to get a third. Making similar note to self!! 😉

  9. Wonderful! By the way, it’s “thurifer”, which is slightly easier to pronounce. (Ferro = φέρω = carry). And you’re fortunate to have found a church where such things are still in use.

  10. Love these stories! My tot is talking, but her stories are a bit….chaotic still. She likes to talk about her day right before falling asleep, and it sounds something like this:

    “Playground and stoller stride [Stroller Strides, a fitness class I take], Daddy home. Dash took a walk and tether ball. Daniel Tiger.”

    She turned 2 in February. I’m looking forward to more coherency as she gets a little older. 🙂

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