Category Archives: Box 010

Box 010 Results: Number 12, Angela Burkhead

Hello again and welcome back to Box 010 the results edition. Our most recent special guest was Angela Burkhead who has just published Sticks n’ Stones and the Garden of Phea, a young adult fantasy novel. So, the poll is closed and the votes are in. Without more ado, let’s find out how many of Angela’s items she got in.

Angela Burkhead, thanks to your fine powers of persuasion, these evil things are now gone for ever:

1. Auto Correct.
Overwhelmingly voted in,  to my absolute delight.

2. Using More Than One Exclamation Mark To Express Excitement.
Yippee!!!!! Mwah hahahahrgh. Sorry, couldn’t resist it. Thank you everyone. You are clearly people of taste and discernment. Well, of course you are, you’re reading my blog. Phnark.

3. Disney Owning StarWars.
They binned Clone Troopers. Nuff said.

Angela, top job that’s a very good result. Thank you so much for joining us. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Angela Burkhead and if you agree with her choices why not check out her latest book, Sticks n’ Stones and the Garden of Phea.

You can also stalk Angela on the internet at the following places:

https://www.facebook.com/AngelaBurkheadAuthor?ref=hl
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7824929.Angela_Burkhead
https://twitter.com/TheMsBurkhead
http://themsburkhead.tumblr.com
http://angelaburkhead.blogspot.com

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Box 010: Number 12, Angela Burkhead

Well hello, and after a bit of a hiatus, welcome, once again, to Box 010; a bit of light whimsy which is, in no way, inspired by the popular BBC programme Room 101. Here’s now it works. Every two weeks, except in the holidays when I turn into Mumzilla and everything goes a bit mental, my special guest will pop in and then present us with five things they would like to see consigned to the dustbin of existence. This week’s special guest is Angela Burkhead. She has just published Sticks n’ Stones and the Garden of Phea, a young adult fantasy novel.

Hello Angela and welcome to Box 010. Before we get started, would you like to tell us a bit about yourself?

Hi, yes I would. I’m a full time writer and a full time mom. Of the two jobs, I cannot decide which is more difficult and time consuming, but both bring the joys of fulfillment and accomplishment.

My son and I currently reside in Richmond, Ky, just north of Kentucky’s arts and crafts capital, Berea, Ky, where I was born and raised.

Ah a fellow author combining the rigours or writing and motherhood. Right then, let’s get onto your rant. What is the first thing that you would like to see expunged from existence for ever?

The first on my list I wish to ban from existence is Auto Correct. Let’s face it, we have all been victim to Auto Corrects evils in which the sentence: “I’m hanging out with Mary Anne” has become “I’m hanging out with Marijuana” causing a parent or two to inflict unnecessary punishment. D@$! you Auto Correct! It needs to be unmade.

Heavens yes, Auto Correct is the Devil’s tool. Good plan. So, onto your second item.

Commercial Duct Tape Products is on the top of my list.

Well, technically, it’s at number two.

Pedant!

I know, I’m sorry please carry on.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Red Green who is always welcome to invade my tv with his quirky duct tape repair ideas, but people actually pay a company for something made out of duct tape? There are so many duct tape patterns out there, go on Pinterest and make it yourself! At least that way when someone asks you why you have a duct tape wallet you can say, “Oh, because I’m poor and couldn’t afford a real one.” People may be so impressed they’ll tell you how special you are. Just remember to take it as a compliment….

Oh my giddy aunt! Do people do that? Is there a whole duct tape subculture thing going on, here, that has passed me by? Mwah ha hhahargh! How did I miss it, or am I going to be grinding my teeth in a year’s time, when it hits good old Blighty. Hmm. That’s a worrying thought! Wow… so what’s your item number 3?

The use of more than one exclamation mark to express excitement. Nothing can ever be that exciting. Plus, the people reading the overly-exaggerated exclamation tend to need to express the same, if not more, enthusiasm which leads to a small army of exclamation marks that, if they were truly an army, could probably take over a small town whose inhabitants would tweet about the invasion with more exclamation marks… At this rate, the Army of Exclamations could take over the world in less than a week. One exclamation mark is enough!

Yes, oh yes, oh yes. Phnark.  Vote it in. Please… Er hem. Sorry what was I thinking of, I’m supposed to be impartial. Right then, please can you tell us what your fourth item is Angela?

Space Chimps. Not actual chimps in space, I mean the movie Space Chimps. I worked at a theater the year it came out. I’m pretty sure the children lost IQ points during the film and I still wish I could get back the 10 minutes of my life I spent watching the film during my work break.

Tell me about it. We have a kids programme on TV called Waybaloo and I swear I used to feel my brain turning to mush as I watched with my boy. Although, I confess I’ve never heard of Space Chimps – clearly I’ve lived a sheltered life.  This has been an education. OK, then, what is your fifth and final item?

Best for last, Disney’s rights to Star Wars. Oh, George, what have you done? Lucas may be frighteningly awful at romantic scenes, and I think deep down he knows he should never have filmed movies 1-3, but handing the rights over to Disney does not make up for his mistakes. It actually made things worse. I will never be able to forgive the destruction of my beloved Star Wars and I have only one thing to say; Live Long and Prosper.

Yeh and the first thing they did was stop making Clone Troopers, which my boy loves and which is brilliant.

Right then, Angela Burkhead, thank you very much for joining me today. Now it’s time to vote. You can find more information about Angela’s latest release, Sticks n’ Stones and the Garden of Phea – along with details of where you can stalk her on the interweb below the poll. Join us in a couple of weeks when we find out how many of Angela’s pet hates you have voted into the oblivion forever.

Sticks n’ Stones and the Garden of Phea

Rather than spending one more day amongst the humiliating remarks to the amusement of her fellow peers, Emily Fickeltin runs away. Or, rather, walks away. Emily is misunderstood and disliked by what seems to be every other child her age and on top of it all, she is overweight.

Her attempt to escape her pain leads her to discover a hidden place with new hope for friends and acceptance, though she cannot stay long. In this magical garden, Emily meets Phea and finds that she is not the only one looking for an escape.

Together they battle their inner most demons. Will they ever discover peace and acceptance? These two lost and disheartened souls must find who they are before they are both lost forever.

You can stalk Angela Burkhead on the internet in the following places:

https://www.facebook.com/AngelaBurkheadAuthor?ref=hl
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7824929.Angela_Burkhead
https://twitter.com/TheMsBurkhead
http://themsburkhead.tumblr.com
http://angelaburkhead.blogspot.com

 

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Box 010 Results: Number 11 C. E. Martin

Our special guest for the latest Box 010 was C. E. Martin. He writes paranormal military thrillers, including the Stone Soldiers Series. The first book is called Mythical and you can find more details about it and Stone Soldiers on his website here.

So, C. E. Ladies and Gentlemen, after receiving a record number of votes the results are in. I know you are all agog to know what happened so without more ado, here they are.

C. E. thanks to your fine efforts, the world is now purged of these things:

1. American versions of British TV shows.
Yes! Booyacka! It’s going in.

2. Low fat foods.
Which are normally high GI and stuffed full of ‘thickeners’ like corn starch and chemicals. Just what is xanthum gum?

My condolences to everyone who voted for Romance/Erotica novels, which missed going in by the tiniest margin. I like a bit of romance, myself but the porn has caused all of us problems.

C. E. Martin, thank you so much for joining us.

Now you’ve read his rant, why not read a few of his books, here’s a reminder, of where you can find out more about them and stalk C. E. Martin on the internet.

Http://www.StoneSoldiers.info
Http://www.facebook.com/CEMartin.Author
@troglodad
http://www.amazon.com/C.E.-Martin/e/B0089W99VC/

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Box 010: Number 11, C. E. Martin

Well hello, and after a bit of a hiatus, welcome, once again, to Box 010; a bit of light whimsy which is, in no way, inspired by the popular BBC programme Room 101. Here’s now it works. Every two weeks, except in the holidays when I turn into Mumzilla and everything goes a bit mental, my special guest will pop in and then present us with five things they would like to see consigned to the dustbin of existence. This week’s special guest is C. E. Martin. He writes paranormal military thrillers, now there’s a genre mash up. Nice. He has written the Stone Soldiers Series. The first book is called Mythical and you can find more details about it at the bottom of the page.  You can find more about Stone Soldiers on his website here.

Hello C. E. from me M T. So, before you launch into your cathartic rant, would you like to tell us a bit about yourself?

Hi, yes I would. I reside in the midwest with my wife and two daughters.

After serving four years in the USAF, I returned to the midwest in 1994. Toiling by day as a civil servant, I enjoy reading classic pulp novels and watching B Movies in spare time.

Oh you are a man after my own heart. I love B Movies. So, what else do you do when you’re not writing.

I lurk around the internet or on Xbox Live–when my kids let me have the TV.

I can just about manage Lego StarWars on my phone so that’s impressed me straight up. Right then, let’s get onto your rant. What is the first thing that you would like to see wiped from the face of history?

Easy. My first item is Hippies. Here in America, hippies radically changed society with their free love, drugs and romanticized communism. Personally, I think they are the root of many of our society’s problems. Especially now that they’re old and gray and fill my tv with their old age sex drug ads. Egads you nasty old dopers, I don’t want to know what you do in your private lives or that you need drugs to do it. Go in the forest and hug a tree or something.

Ooooo controversy! And that bit about aged sex dopers fills my mind with horrible images. Phnark. OK, onto your second item.

My second item is fraudumentaries. I’m talking about stuff like Animal Planet’s mermaid show (Mermaids: the Body Found) or Discovery’s giant shark special. Dammit, stop trying to trick people into believing your fiction is real. You’re not Orson Wells and this isn’t War of the Worlds.

Woah! Sounds completely barking. We used to have a newspaper like that called the Sunday Sport. Luckily nobody took it seriously though. Onwards and upwards then. That is THING 3?

My third bugbear is Romance/erotica Novels. First off, why is it so terrible for men to read Playboy but women can read novel after novel about heaving bosoms and long-haired Fabio wannabes? I call Fifty Shades of Hypocracy on that one. Secondly, Romance/erotica is a HUGE portion of the book market. If those books didn’t exist, readers might have to turn to something else… Like paranormal military thrillers (which I happen to write).

Mwah ha hahargh! You and me both! Actually I enjoy Romance but without the squelchy bits – I think they call that cosy. Erotica is a bit hard for me (phnar phnar). I tried to write a proper sex scene once and it was one of the funniest pieces of writing I’ve ever done… but in so not the right way. Phnark. 

My fourth item is low fat foods. Okay, people, if you want to lose weight get off the couch and get some self-control. I am so sick of accidentally buying food with a bunch of low-fat chemicals in them that tastes like crap. Give me some real fat with some real flavor. Chemicals belong in a lab.

Tell me about it.  I, too would rather just eat less of the full fat version. I’m not too excited about forms of pretend sugar either. Right then, what is your fifth and final item?

My fifth item is American versions of British TV shows. When I was growing up we loved Benny Hill, Monty Python and the Avengers. What happened? Why do popular British shows now have to be remade for America? We speak the same darn language! And name one American remake that’s half as good as the BBC original. Everyone else in the world watches Top Gear. Why does the USA need their own, far less entertaining version? Top Gear even comes to America once a year!

C. E. Martin. Thank you very much for joining me today. Now it’s time to vote. You can find more information about the first book in the Stone Soldiers Series, Mythical – along with details of where you can stalk C. E. Martin on the interweb below the poll. Join us next week when we find out how many of C. E. Martin’s pet hates you have voted into the black hole of existence for ever.

Mythical, Stone Soldiers Series #1

Colonel Mark Kenslir is the last of the Cold War supersoldiers–and he’s just come back from the dead.

Sent to Arizona to hunt a heart-devouring shapeshifter, Colonel Kenslir and his team of supernatural-smashing soldiers thought it was just another mission. But instead of stopping the monster’s murderous rampage, Kenslir and his stone soldiers became the latest victims in a trail of carnage blazed across the southwest.

Suffering from partial amnesia, with no weapons and no support, Kenslir must rely on two reluctant teens to help him remember his past, complete his final mission and avenge his men.

You can stalk C. E. Martin on the internet in the following places:

Http://www.StoneSoldiers.info
Http://www.facebook.com/CEMartin.Author
@troglodad
http://www.amazon.com/C.E.-Martin/e/B0089W99VC/

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Box 010 Number 10: Results, Michael Cargill

This week’s special guest was Michael Cargill, who writes all sorts of stuff because he hasn’t stuck to any particular genre. His latest work, Underneath, has been compared to Ruth Rendell – but he also likes writing humour and satire, as we’ve discovered. You can find more of that on his website here .

So Michael, ladies and gentlemen. I bet you’re absolutely ganting to know how the vote went. Quite well as it turns out.

Michael, thanks to your fine efforts, the world is no longer doomed to suffer the existence of the following three things:

  1. Three-quarter length trouser-short things
    That’s me buggered, everyone will have to see my giant swollen knees now but a promise is a promise. In they go.
  2. Poo
    Congratulations everyone. Although I’m not sure what the monkeys in the zoo will fling now.
  3. Audiophiles
    I like a good stereo as much as the next person but yes, there are limits.

Michael, thank you for joining me in Box 010. Now everyone, off you go and buy his book, Underneath!

Oh and in case you’d forgotten here’s where you can stalk Michael Cargill on the internet.
Website:- http://michaelcargill.wordpress.com/
Twitter: @MichaelCargill1
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MichaelCargillAuthor

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Box 010 Number 10: Michael Cargill

Well hello again, and welcome, to Box 010; a bit of light whimsy which is, in no way, inspired by the popular BBC programme Room 101. Here’s now it works. Every two weeks, except in the holidays when I turn into Mumzilla and everything goes a bit mental, my special guest will pop in and then present us with five things they would like to see consigned to the dustbin of existence. This week’s special guest is Michael Cargill. He hasn’t stuck to any particular genre. His latest work, Underneath, has been compared to Ruth Rendell – you can find more details about it at the bottom of the page.  He likes writing humour and satire, too – as you’re about to find out. You can find more of that on his website here .

Hello Michael. So, before you launch into your enormous and really quite splendid rant, would you like to tell us a bit about yourself?

Hello there,

My name is Michael Cargill and I started writing about two years ago. So far I haven’t stuck with a particular genre as I like to just write whatever pops into my smoothly-shaven head. Along with my books and stories I also have a website of satire humour stuff that I update every now and then.

By day I work in IT and I have to force myself to traverse the world of office life just like everyone else. Getting up at 6am is such a drag, man.

You said it, I’m not a morning person either so I sympathise with anyone who has to get up at 6am, 7am is bad enough but where was I? Ah yes, Michael, without more ado, please tell us the first item you’d like to cast into the unending darkness of Box 010.

Whacky t-shirt slogans:

“Keep calm and drink tea!” advises a thin sheet of blue cotton.

“Oh wow, that’s so random!” exclaims a breathless 19-year old student called Jeremy. “£35 is a bargain, I’ll take three of them.”

Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. What are we going to do with you, eh?  Set you on fire and shove you in the direction of Primark, perhaps?  Exactly what does this t-shirt give you?  Sure, the local homeless guy might be entertained by your brief sojourn into sponsored hilarity, but let’s not forget that he also gets nosebleeds whenever a helicopter flies overhead. Never let your life be dictated by a thin-blooded anaemic.

Ah yes, right, MT hurriedly crosses her arms to hide the picture of snurds on her T-shirt… no witty slogan though, perhaps I’m safe. Oops, anyway, right, OK Michael, what’s you’re next pet hate?

Poo.

Mwah ha haargh! Really?

Yep, no shit. Poo: It smells and you can’t really do anything with it, unless you’re a monkey in a cage in a zoo, throwing it at passersby. If you try to use it as ink, your filing cabinet will soon be swarming with flies; if you try to use it as stuffing for a pillow, you really will have to worry about the bed bugs biting you during the night; if you bake it like clay and try to use it as a credit card, it will get stuck inside the cash machine and you’ll never be able to get a mortgage or a loan again.

It makes bloody great manure though, my geraniums are marvellous this year.

Hnur hnur hnur hnurrrrgh. Something makes me think you might not have got all that you might have done from any visits to the zoo you made as a child. OK, so after poo what’s the next item you’d like to throw into Box 010?

Three-quarter length trouser-short things: Let’s face it, no-one likes a cyborg. Robots are great, ‘cos they build cars and lift things wot are too heavy for us humans to lift. They can even speak in cute little voices if programmed to do so.

Humans are great as well. They can be pleasant to look at, they sing nice songs, and some of them can even make a right nice cup of tea if asked nicely.

Cyborgs?  Yucky, ugly creatures that have bolts poking out of their eye sockets and bulging electric veins that dangle down from every nook and cranny. And so it is for those ghastly three-quarter length trouser-shorts. If it’s warm, wear proper shorts. If it’s cold, wear proper trousers. There is no such thing as warmy-cold weather that is too hot for trousers and too cold for shorts.

Ah but what about when it’s too hot for trousers but your knees are too scarred and vile for shorts? That’s when these three quartery length abominations become quite useful. Er… at least, that’s why I wear them, anyway. But I agree that, as a fashion statement, they are a bit pants. Then again, as a, lardy, 45 year old stay at home parent I’m probably about as close to making a fashion statement as I am to Alpha Centuri so I don’t expect it matters… sorry, gone off on one there. Right-o, please can we hear about your next item?

Audiophiles:

“Yeah mate, that would deffo sound better if you were using a gold-plated SCART cable instead of them earphones. It’s all about the conductivity.”

Really?  How fascinating. And there was me thinking that listening to The Sex Pistols would be a simple affair of popping in the CD and hitting the play button. Had I known that I needed to pray to the God of Unicorn Farts at the Altar of Elbow Grease beforehand, my delicate wee eardrum would no doubt be bestowing me with flowers and blowjobs by now. Thank you, Mr Engineery Man, for your advice on the things that matter. May your moustache be forever neat and tidy.

All I can think of now is the Not the Nine O’Clock News sketch:

“I’d like to buy a Gramaphone.”

Cue about 20 minutes of laughter.

“A Gramaphone, do you mean a music system?”

“What’s the difference?”

“Oh about 30 years and a plastic casing to you Granddad.” etc.

Sorry, moving on. Michael, what is the fifth and final thing you’d like to put into Box 010?

Asparagus.

Noooooooo!

Yes, because it’s crap.

A bag of frozen green beans will cost about a quid. A bag of frozen asparagus will cost a ton. That is, if you can even find a place that sells frozen asparagus, as it’s clearly such an important and precious length of green that no-one dares freeze it, lest they risk the feeble wrath of asparagus worshippers everywhere.

Apparently asparagus is good for seducing women; I disagree. Vodka works perfectly and it’s cheap. Asparagus is expensive and is a far higher maintenance vegetable than it’s cousin the green bean. You also end up discarding half of it anyway.

The asparagus vs. beans debate is similar to the ebook vs. real book debate: “Oooooh, a real book is so much more engaging!”

No it isn’t, so stop lying.

Michael thank you for making us laugh so much with one of the most splendidly random Box 010’s so far. It was great! The results will be posted in a week’s time, when we will find out if my asparagus bed and halfway-house trousers are going to join my husband in Box 010.

Readers, you can vote on Michael’s choices here.

Underneath
Look at the person sitting just across from you. It doesn’t matter whether they’re a loved one, a friend, or a complete stranger.

Now look at their face. Are they happy?  Are they sad?  Or are they angry?  Can you even tell?

How well do you actually know the people closest to you? Have you ever seen the real person that lies just underneath what you see…?

Here’s where you can stalk Michael Cargill on the internet.
Website:- http://michaelcargill.wordpress.com/
Twitter: @MichaelCargill1
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MichaelCargillAuthor

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Box 010 Results: Number 9, Lynda Wilcox

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen, those who aren’t quite sure and, of course K’Barthans. This weeks’ guest on Box 010 was Lynda Wilcox writer of the children’s adventure books and light hearted whodunits, the latest of which, Strictly Murder.  You can find her website here .

Right I hope you’re sitting comfortably, here are the results…

Lynda, you got a fine and dandy 3 items into Box o10 and they are.

  1. Rude people/the current trend for rudeness
    Excellent, next time someone’s rude to me I can just stick my fingers in my ears and shout, ‘la la la I can’t hear you from Box o1o.’
  2. Texting and mobile phones
    Because they all deserve to walk into lamp posts
  3. Council Speak and the way they waste money
    Yes! In it goes.

Lynda thank you for joining us on Box 010.

Ladies and gents there will be a slight hiatus now as it ‘s the school holidays and I’m afraid I have to turn into Mumzilla for 6 weeks but Box 010 will be back in September… unless I do a rogue one in the middle of August.

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