Happy Easter

Here I am again. This week I have precisely 10 minutes to finish this post. It’s not going to happen so it may bleed into next week but we shall see. I suppose I just wanted to do a final report on the knitting and say Happy Easter.

Easter has been a bit good this year. I sort of feel like I’ve actually hoisted it all in a bit more. Perhaps with the state of international affairs it’s difficult not to. But maybe it’s because things feel like they’re looking up a bit in my own life. It’s not that they ever looked down, particularly, it’s just that my life has been about other people for a long time, and … well it still is, I mean other people are important to me, but for once I feel that there is actually a bit more room and time for me in it too. I’ve been writing, I have a book coming out soon, I’ve started cataloguing some of my 7” records … Doing things, and fitting them all in, just feels … easier. Or perhaps it’s just positive energy because I feel very blessed at the moment. I dunno.

This Easter I had a bit of an Epiphany. I mean, I usually have a bit of an Epiphany at Epiphany anyway but … sorry where was I? Yeh, so on Maunday Thursday my church has a service, at which, being in the choir, I sang. It ends in silence. All the crosses, holy icons, etc are covered up, the altar is stripped bare and all but a few of the lights are extinguished. The congregation goes to the Lady Chapel in silence and takes part in a vigil. It lasts until midnight. Not everyone does the whole thing some do the start, some go off have a bite to eat and pop back, it depends.

The vigil begins with the story of The Last Supper and the aftermath. Obviously, on the Thursday the part of the story at which we find ourselves is when Jesus asks his mates to stay up with him in the Garden of Gethsemane while he prays and they keep nodding off. Bless them they are so human.

They listen to him pray and as he asks God if maybe he could not have to go through with being crucified, if this cup can pass from me … but also states that he’ll do whatever his father requires. And I sat there, calm, quiet, in the dark, thinking, ‘I’ve prayed that prayer.’

Please, please God, if it’s possible to not make me do this, if there’s any kind and gentle way I can sidestep this or … I dunno … win the chuffing pools please can you sort it? Please don’t let Mum have to go into a home, it will break her and she will never forgive me because she won’t understand, which will break me. Please don’t break me, God. A couple of people need me whole. Thank you.

Then Mum went into hospital. And the day she was due to go into the home she died. I’ve written about her death on this blog, you can find it in the dementia section if you’re interested, but it was actually beautiful, a little awe inspiring and felt like the gentlest of closure. ‘Come kindly death,’ as John Donne said.

Mum was absolutely aware what was happening to her and perfectly at peace with the idea of dying. Indeed she was so completely unafraid she had told me in the preceding weeks that if anything happened to her, ‘You mustn’t worry, darling, because I shall be quite alright. You know that, don’t you?’ In short, she was amazing.

Sitting in church, in the dark, I suddenly recalled sitting with her on the ward. It was quite dark and peaceful. The curtains round Mum’s bed were closed and she gradually faded until she was simply sleeping peacefully. The nurses turned her occasionally to ensure she didn’t endure any unnecessary pain. I remember sitting in the demi-darkness feeling as if light was all around us. It wasn’t upsetting because she wasn’t upset. Instead it was calm and peaceful as I sat there with my brother, cherishing the last few hours of companionship with my mum.

Obviously, I was singing at Easter Day, too but yesterday, bollocksed leg or not, I decided I’d do a few eats for after. Lots of people cook biscuits and bring them in after church so I decided that this week, I was probably less busy than they were and so I’d make Easter nests. I made some that were gluten free as well because get me (phnark). In total there were 54, which I thought would probably do. And it did, I came home with two empty boxes and three left! And it was a lovely service and everyone was so chipper and the atmosphere was of happiness and rejoicing. And we had prosecco to help with that afterwards too!

But I suppose what I’m saying is that I suddenly have capacity to do something like bake cakes and this is a new thing for me. It’s as if, two years on from losing the last parent, I’ve finally found myself. Sorry this really does sound like a load of old bollocks doesn’t it? But I can’t think of another way of putting it. I often feel as if my parents are beside me when I do stuff like church. I think of them often. And I’m beginning to think that I might be reaching the point where I can write that dementia book. Although I’ll need to write the last of the sausage Hamgeean Misfits first.

Knitting round up

The knitting challenge is finished. That’s grand as it means I might now get a bit more sleep rather than finish knitting at 11 and then realise I have to spend another hour doing a social media post. I do most social media on my phone which, as someone who touch types at a hundred and something words a minute, is incredibly frustrating. But the knitting wasn’t. It was fun, the people doing the challenge with me were lovely and the final total raised is £802 which is bloody amazing.

Massive thanks to everyone who donated, see the Sponsoring Heroes come etc But it was wonderful and I was so pleased. AND I was second on the fundraising leaderboard, so that’s not bad. Phnark.

If you haven’t donated, and want to, there is still time. You can do that here:

Right, that’s all for this week and there’s still 15 minutes to have a shower! Excellent! Oh. One last thing, we are the sultans, the sultans of swing. No, sorry …

Finally, a reminder about my new book! Woo-hoo!

Yes, if you’re interested, I have a new book coming out at the end of may. If you’d like to preorder that, you can do so by going to this page here.

And here’s the blurb!

Since The Pan of Hamgee became a delivery man for Ning Dang Po’s premier gangster, Big Merv, he has learned a lot about when to run, where to hide and when to keep his head down. What with his very existence being treason, and the Grongle invaders tightening their grip on K’Barth, he counts surviving each day as a win.

Marcella the Pirate, a small-time gangster, has started a racket selling replicas of K’Barth’s most prized and expensive food: Goojan spiced sausage. When her plan becomes an overnight success, she sets her sights on toppling Big Merv as the Boss of Ning Dang Po, and The Pan’s world is upended into chaos. If Marcella succeeds in her bid for city-wide domination, it will be curtains for The Pan. But there’s more to her sudden rise than hooky sausages – she’s playing a high-stakes game, with blackmail, kidnapping, and a treasonous pact with the Grongles themselves.

Between Marcella, the security forces, and an illegal satirical comedy drag duo who need a stand-in, The Pan is pulled into a web of crime and intrigue that no amount of speed can outrun. As he navigates his way through the mayhem, he must learn lessons fast about power, loyalty and what it means to be true to yourself, even when the world wants you to be something else.

If you’re interested, click here to find out more here