It seems I’m #KBarthan even though I live here.

I thought I’d share my morning with you. No real reason. Just for a laugh.

It was McMini’s first day back at school so we had to be up and out of the house at about the time we woke up yesterday. McMini, however, was ace. He got up and got dressed.

“Car or bike?” I ask him.

“Car,” he says

Breakfast eaten, clothes on, teeth brushed and coats on we duly go to the garage. The Noisy Cricket is still in bed. McMini climbs in. I put the key in and press the starter button.

“Click,” it goes. That’s how cars that are made in Norfolk tell you to fuck off.

“Ha, never fear, I have the battery boost starter um… thingamy,” I cry and so I plug it in and connect it all up.

“Click,” says the car.

“And fuck off to you too,” I think but manage not to say it out loud in front of McMini. Ka-Ching! M T McGuire awards non swearing points to self and allows a nano second of smugness.

It’s OK. We have seven minutes. There is still time to get there on the bike. I get my bike out and attach the Incredibly Heavy Trailer Bike. I have to do about 110 turns to get the nut off and the towing bar out and about another 109 turns to do it up after I’ve attached the trailer. It takes approximately fifteen years (Oh alright, a couple of minutes). Never mind, it’s on.

Also – major achievement – we’ve managed to do all this without letting the cat get into the garage AND I’ve remembered to lock the garage door.

Ah yes. Cycle hats. I run back to the house. Actually I do the ‘Special Gait’. You know, like the Monty Python folks do when they’re pretending to ride horses in the Holy Grail? The one which makes you look effing stupid. People with less than the pre-requisite number of functioning knee ligaments do tend to default to the Special Gait in place of actual running.

Cycle hat for McMini retrieved I rush back. Ga dump, ga dump, ga dump, I ‘run’. We get onto the bike to discover some random bloke has parked in my drive. Why I have no idea, there’s another 20 minutes, at least, before the permits and scariness kick in.

“Excuse me! Who are you?” I ask, probably a bit more aggressively than I intend to due to my current state of panic.

“Er… I’m looking for number 2.”

Grrr. He could stop on the single line outside the house.

“Well this is the drive for number 3. If you want to park here, you have to ask.”

“I’m very sorry.”

“Good, it’s not a good time, how long will you be here?”

“Not long.”

“Good. Cause it looks like I have a breakdown truck coming.”

“Oh when?”

“Five minutes,” no you daft cow, that’s how long you have to get to school, “No wait sorry not 5 minutes, as soon as I’ve dropped McMini off at school.” Yeh, look like a twat while you’re bollocking him why don’t you? Anyway why are you bollocking him? How did you get into this? What are you doing?

“That’s OK I’ll be gone by then.”

McMini and I pile about 300 yards up the enormous hill – thank you Bury town planners, you bastards, for configuring the one way system so that I have two massive ups and one down not only on the way to school but on the way back too… cluddy bunts – then I remember his school bag is in the car.

“Nobs alive.”

Back we go.

We make it to school, I pedal like the blazes but it’s like dragging a gothic cathedral on wheels through treacle. Wheezing like an asthmatic sea lion I manage to go slightly faster than walking pace while McMini pedals with all his might behind.

We arrive at school and the door is still open! Huzzah! No late entry and paperwork to be filed. Except that as I wait to wave at him from the window I remember I’ve left his drinking water on the sodding draining board. Nobbing sodding sod.

I go home, two hills up one down, via the bank to pay in a cheque. It’s not open yet. Arse.

When I return home the random Saab has gone from our drive. I put the trailer in the garage and get the water, get back on the bike and cycle another mile and a half through treacle to get back to school. Deliver the water. Discover that McMini’s guitar lessons start TONIGHT and I don’t even know if he’s been scheduled in. Ride home via the bank, which is open this time, to ring the guitar man.

Get home to discover I’ve forgotten to buy a birthday card and that McMini has quietly chomped his way through all the carrots I was going to serve up with our dinner tonight.

Ring guitar man.

Sort lessons.

Tell school.

Realise I’ve given Guitar Man a duff e-mail address. I look out of the window at what I think is a nice hedge hog on our patio and realise it’s a sodding great rat. Now I’ll have to organise some kind of rat catching thing. It’s very cute but I don’t want it nesting in my cellar.

And so it goes on.

Then there’s the ‘help’ I receive in all my endeavours about the house from my omnipresent cat-shaped assistant.


No wonder I never get anything done…



Filed under General Wittering

29 responses to “It seems I’m #KBarthan even though I live here.

  1. Some days just start out soooo well don’t they MTM? πŸ˜€

  2. Mwah hahahargh! I know! Tell me about it.

  3. That’s an ‘exciting’ morning. Seems there’s always at least one of those in a week.

  4. Lol, thanks for that laugh πŸ˜€

  5. Annie Page

    Ahh, so me shouting “Allez allez allez” in the manner of a Tour spectator was not, in fact, either funny or helpful. Soz.

  6. It’s just great to see someone leaving the dream…

  7. Rats. That’s living the dream, and there’s no edit function.

    • Ah don’t you just love auto correct! πŸ˜‰

      • I dunno… sounds as though you really WERE leaving the dream – and crossing into a nightmare! Did you ever get ‘Third Rock from the Sun’ on telly over there? Somehow I envisioned your tribulations a bit like that in my head. πŸ˜€

      • Third Rock was brilliant, in the way that the Big Bang Theory now is. And yes I did feel as if I was in a badly written sit com, especially when I was being, probably, a bit rude to the random bloke who’d parked in our drive!



  8. I had a day very similar to this on Monday. Minus the bike and the rat. But lots of running late and drama and exhaustion and slogging through treacle. Hope it gets better for you.

  9. Jemima Pett

    You’re brilliant!
    Spent an hour or so sorting compost heaps today to persuade the rats that this is not their winter home. If the river stays down they might agree, if not…they’ll be back!!

    • Glad you enjoyed this! πŸ˜‰ I’m still havering about the rats. They’ve been around for years but they’re getting bolder and nearer to the house… and they’re not water rats, unfortunately.



  10. Lol, I love this! Life is unexpected, messy, distracting, lol, it’s a wonder any of us get anything done…lol, ahem…well, you know already how glacially slow I am! πŸ˜€

  11. That was great. I struggled to read it out loud to Partner as I kept erupting in fits of giggles. I’m surprised an ‘Arnold’s Y-fronts’ didn’t creep in there. Really, really funny.

    Starter motor?

    • There very nearly was an, ‘Arnold’s scrotum!’ I have to bite my tongue not to envoke the name of Arnold after six years of K’Barth and yes, there will be a sequel.

      The car just had a flat battery. However the old one used to run out of battery the whole time until the starter motor failed and some blokes round the corner rebuilt it. No more power drainage after that. I wonder, slightly if this one will be following a similar path. The alarm does drain it though, if I don’t use it regularly, or only make short trips.



  12. Sounds Like a bad dream! At least you manage to see the funny side MTM.😍

    • There was a kind of cringing inevitability about how wrong everything went, yes. πŸ˜‰ I think if I didn’t see the funny side of my life I’d be in big trouble.



  13. DB9

    Love it – completely batty of course!

  14. It’s called January. Our car broke down yesterday too. Twice.

    I loved …’… like dragging a gothic cathedral on wheels through treacle.’ And although I’ve never said ‘nobs alive’, I now intend to at the first convenient opportunity. Thank you.

    • Hello Christopher, welcome to my slightly wonky world. I hope your car is now working and I am delighted to think that you will be saying ‘nobs alive’ on my account! πŸ˜‰

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