When real life treads on your hands…

I’ve gone and depressed myself again by looking at one of those ‘uplifting’ posts on Kindleboards about people who’ve had an e-book out for half as long as I have and are making a gazillion times more money. Sod it, just making any money. Maybe you just have to be American to earn a living selling e-books. I dunno. Or maybe you just have to have time. Lots of time. And maybe it’s something that you just can’t do in tiny slices of time, slowly, over years, like I’d hoped.

You know I am basically a happy bunny, I am surrounded by sweet people, I’m happy, I’m cherished, I cherish  others… I’m blessed with a very happy family. I also live in a lovely house and drive a car that, as an incurable petrol head, I still can’t quite believe I own. There’s really nothing wrong with my life except that not everyone in that cherished, loved support group around me is as they should be. I’m not one to spill my guts over the internet but let’s just say this. There’s something they don’t tell you about heart disease. A lot of it gives you brain damage. Because a lot of heart disease causes a lack of blood to the head. Over time, this gives similar symptoms similar to those of exposure only they come on very, very slowly. Every day you get a little more fuzzy. Every day another little piece of you, the essence of you, is carried away. Slowly but surely, inevitably, you lose your mind. Add a succession of really hard winters, because heaven forfend that fucking sod might pull any punches and you’re in the poop. Big time.

So, one of my cherished people is in the doo doo and those years and years of bitty, incremental damage are beginning to show. And I can’t do a fucking thing.  And I’m miles away from them when I should be there. When the simplest thing becomes a marathon slog for them, I’m not there to help or reassure when all my life, I believed I would be. I’m not there to fix the computer when it freaks, or go through the paperwork or deal with the admin that escapes; things like tax returns or driving license applications. I’m trapped here at the end of the phone and all I can do is listen. And it feels shit. Because to watch the people I love suffer from a long way away and not help; people who have given me everything and made me who I am, people I look up to. That makes me feel like a special kind of bastard.

So the wheels have fallen off my writing a bit. I can’t stop, I’m addicted, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be hitting any deadlines, and I probably won’t be very professional about it either. In short, if K’Barthan 3 is ready by next Christmas I’ll be surprised. But in my defence, although I can’t name names and be straight about it here, there is a good reason. Real life has painfully, comprehensively, trodden on my hands.

I feel a bit like this. As Arnold the Prophet says in K’Barthan Three.
“Life is a gift, reach out and take it with both hands.”
And The Pan of Hamgee says.
“That’s all all very well for you to say but the gift I’m being offered looks suspiciously like a dog turd in a paper bag, to me.”
It isn’t all pants and it’s a lot worse for them than me but there’s a very, very sad bit and I have to accept that I can’t fix it. And that rankles. Big time.

6 Comments

Filed under About My Writing, Humorous Fantasy Author

6 responses to “When real life treads on your hands…

  1. Sounds just plain awful – I hope it helps to have written it.

  2. texasdruids

    MT, life is a bitch, there’s no getting around it. I hope the situation improves for you and your loved one. And don’t let those posts on Kindleboards get you down. We don’t all progress at the same rate. Lyn

    • Thanks, Lyn, you are a star. The loved one; anno domini. One of those things, it’s hard but it’s just the way life is.

      As for my complete inability to sell books. Well, I suppose I should draw comfort from the fact the handful of people I’ve bludgeoned into reading mine have enjoyed them. And yeh, working flat out over the last two years I’ve probably covered about what most of those guys on Kindleboards do in a month. Partly because I’m a slacker, partly because I have no time worth speaking of and and partly because the few hours I have I tend to spend writing more books… because I’m an authorholic and I have to. ;-)

      Cheers

      MTM

  3. You have my empathy.
    It is such a sad situation to be in.
    My Aunt Rose died a slow death in New Jersey (far from where I live in Canada) and my dear friend got a stroke, then dementia – both lengthy farewells took place by phone over the last year, because my longterm injuries prevent me from travelling far.
    I felt so helpless, even after they died. I missed both funerals.
    So I hear that helpless feeling in your “voice” and I’m sending you a hug, and also saying “Do everything you can to bring them comfort, and recognize the things you can’t do. And be kind to yourself when you feel bad about what your loved ones – and you – are going through. You’re human.
    May not be the wisest advice, but it’s well meant..

    • That’s a lovely thing to say. Thank you so much. It’s not always easy to face up to the difference between what you think you should do and what you can. But I guess the truth is, each of us has to accept the parameters of our own reality and suck it up! ;-) The cherished one in question is my dad. I try to make sure I visit my parents at least once a month, now, even if it’s just going to see them for a few hours on one day. I think it’s made a difference to all of us, but possibly, it is my sense of peace that has been affected more than theirs!

      Cheers

      MTM

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